Sure, I’ve Seen That Movie

Seasons greetings to all, and to all a merry Oscar Season! Today we are talking about an essential Film School skill…

Pretending like you have seen movies you haven’t actually seen.

I literally can not stress how necessary this skill set it. It’s vital. At least 8 times a week you will run into some classmate, fall into a conversation about movies, and run into the brick wall comment that is “What? You haven’t seen Blankity Blank Blank? My goodness you haven’t lived!”

Upon checking your pulse, you realize you totally have lived as your fellow student-friend-thing-character recounts the highlights of the film (and since this is film school, at least somewhere in the recap the speaker will make a lightly pretentious comment about the cinematography, use of creative narrative devices, lighting, etc). After this wonderful conversation has happened >100 times, one usually realizes that it’s easier to pretend like you have seen the movie. Be warned, there is very little that will make you look “stupider” than being caught in this lie. Here are some simple steps to take in pretending like you have actually seen a movie.

1. Assess the situation

If you are talking to one person, odds are they will try and converse with you about specific aspects of the film. This makes this scenario the most dangerous. However, single humans have a tendency to rant for longer about certain films. Therefor, you have more to gain by subverting the “I haven’t seen that movie” conversation.

If you are talking to a group of people, you have more opportunities for camouflage. Safety in numbers and all that. In these situations, you can just nod and smile when faced with the impending movie conversation without participating.

2. Acquire Knowledge

I haven’t seen Captain Phillips yet. “You haven’t seen the most recent ‘Tom Hanks saves a lot of people’ movie? What is wrong with you?” I know. Film School Heresy. I’ll get to it eventually. Anyway, I hate talking about this movie with my peers because they are insufferable about it, and nothing makes them feel better than having seen a film you haven’t seen. So, in order to avoid the impending hell, I did some research on the movie

• Use Wikipedia – You aren’t using it on a research paper, so you’re in the clear on this one. Here you can find the complete film synopsis. You won’t be able to quote anything verbatim, but at least you will know who was in the movie.
• Rotten Tomatoes – Read reviews. Do it. It’s worth it. Knowing what film was good and which film was bad is an essential part of a conversation. A quick check of the metascore will give you most of the information you need of what specific aspects of the film were good or bad.
• The Trailer – Trailers are like mini movies. I can watch them for days. Being up on the most recent film trailers gives you enough surface knowledge of each film to get by on a basic conversation. You probably won’t be able to discuss the heightened emotion in Meryl Streep’s acting performance, but you probably won’t get caught knowing NOTHING about the film.

Of course you should use IMDB and other such wonderful sources, but I find them better for post-viewing sources.

3. Be Vague

You haven’t seen the movie. Don’t guess. Make overarching broad statements that may pertain to any film. Stuff like…

Yes, the film had an interesting use of light and shadow.

That one actor was particularly notable. You know? The one with hands.

I really enjoyed the climax of the film. I thought it had the most tension of the entire movie.

The protagonist was a generally multifaceted character.

It wasn’t as good as Silence of the Lambs.

4. Divert the Subject

Whatever you do, do not linger on the subject too long. Get out of there fast. There is a distinct limit on how long you can fake a conversation before you get caught. Don’t push your luck, you’re not that good. Find a way to switch the subject fast.

Talk about an upcoming assignment or event.

Talk about a different movie that you have seen. Maybe one with the same actor to use as a bridge.

Ask them about their day/last meal/roommates health/most recent mistake.

Disarm them by making a pretentious comment like, “It wasn’t Black and White, French, with subtitles, so how good could it have been?”

Start Crying.

Run.

5. Be Straight with Them.

If all else fails, honesty is always the best policy. Keep your wits intact and claim you are going to see it soon. Accuse them of spoilers and promise that you are merely postponing the conversation for another day.

Related articles

• Film School (ceciliakim14.wordpress.com)
• Original “Anchorman,’ more top funny films (boston.com)
• Movie Party Ideas & Movie Night Party Supplies (potterybarn.com)
• Movie Review: Captain Phillips (theburtonsting.com)

A Week Late, But Hey… Some Stuff I’m Thankful For

I’m thankful for unpredictable teachers: I may have no idea ever how you are going to respond to my film, but as long as it’s never what I expect, I always live in constant fear that you will hate it. It’s become a rather driving force to work hard on my film. So, Thanks.

I am thankful for the Hall Common-room: Many an essay is written in this room. Since we are all in the same class, writing the same paper, on similar topics, the common-room has become the essential think tank of the dorm. Also the word common-room makes me feel like I’m living at Hogwarts. So thanks.

I am thankful for Foodie Call: Foodie call is a local business that will deliver food to your dorm room, or Dodge, until 3am. Amazing delivery business absolutely essential to my survival. THANKYOU!

I am thankful for the writing center: My writing sucks, thanks for telling me to my face. thanks.

I am thankful for my Actors: Otherwise known as people who live in my hall. You people are subpar actors at best, but you are always there, and for that I salute you. Thank You from the Bottom of my Heart.

I am thankful for the Universe: Thank you.

I am thankful for my Weird (environmental science major) Boyfriend: Thank you for listening to my ridiculous rants on various film techniques and “what happened today in visual storytelling” and yada and yada and yada. You constantly put up with my near constant rambling. Your patience in unmatched. Thanks Baby.

I am thankful for Finals: Shocker right. I am thank for what finals signify, the Final moment in a class. After they are over, they are over. Over. Done. So yea, I’m thankful for finals, sue me.